Change

So, I admit it. I'm a boring blogger. Not much I want to post about, other than things that would require more than 10 minutes to post. So, like everything else, they don't get done. Go figure. If you're lucky that will change.

I've been struggling lately with what a friend termed "peter panning". You see, in some ways I'm barely holding life together. In others I'm doing very well. But really, what it all comes down to is that I'm mostly surviving right now instead of living.

Yes, there's a difference.

In the process of building a new computer I realized just how much fun I have doing that. And how much fun I have doing other things. The problem seems to be finding the time. It seems like I'm always trying to get the "important" stuff done and there's never enough time for leisure, with some exception in my computer gaming. (Note that while computer gaming is fun for me, it's not exactly a lasting experience -- once the game is over the fun is gone as well. There's a challenge there that I find satisfying but ultimately hollow. Probably one reason why my gaming is on a downward swing... but anyhow. That's a whole other post)

This is reflected in my job as well -- I'm frequently taking it in the shorts to get some of the necessary stuff done. Part of it I suppose is that I'm too dependable for that kind of thing. Part is that because I'm knowledgeable in certain areas that others aren't. And I'm starting to wonder if part of it isn't my own choices biting me.

So. Where do you draw the line between what you want to do and what needs doing? How do you even determine what really needs doing?

Yeah, I have some idea, but I'm not sure I could express it well at the moment. With a few "Aha" moments lately for me I think I am beginning to change. But I'm not sure where that change is taking me, or even if I fully understand that change myself.

What I can say is that I'm realizing I've been pidgeon-holed by my corner of society's expectations and rules and my standard has met those expectations. I haven't made my own for myself, or in some areas, even understood that there are different/further boundaries to press towards.

This is kind of a vague post, but I'm not really sure how to name what I'm experiencing. There's a lot to be said for naming something -- it makes it real for your own little slice of reality, touchable, explainable, understandable. But regardless. I want to understand. And I desire change.